fame

i watched fame, the movie. it was both less and more this time around. all in terms of choreography, acting, singing, etc etc etc... i think i was thinking about it too much... too busy evaluating and not letting me sit back and just let it sink in and listen.

I eventually did, towards the end. Ano nga ba ang fame, para sa akin? Why do I beat myself up over flamenco day in and day out?

Easy enough to answer: There's a connection, a spark, a flame. I'm me, when I'm twisting my hands up in the air and breathing for the compas.

Pero fame? I've no delusions. It's hard to climb all the way up and see it plummet down. I mean, look at Clara, my gad. That's a heartbreaker. Flamenco is so strict, so obsessed with PURO with blood with your history. I don't know how to get in. I don't want to delude myself, because I know I don't stand a chance to even get to that top, tight ring.

I wonder if I would dance any better if my nationality, my blood, weren't a factor. If fame and glory were real and tangible, would I work harder, be more intricately into it than I am now?

All of a sudden, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

ganun ba ko kasama, kalala, na di lang isang ate ang nagtangkang umalis na ng bahay pero DALAWA, dahil sa akin?

wala na lang akong magawang tama. Bakit ba kasi ang bobo bobo mo, ang tamad tamad pa. sabi mo magbabago ka na, pero ganyan ka pa rin.

Bakit yung mga pinakamamahal mo, yun pa yung kailangan mo pang pagtrabahuhan na ibigin ka rin. Meron kayang philo/psychological answer dito? Paano kaya kung wala na lang akong paki? Meron namang mga pamilya na kayang tumakbo ng ganun. Wala na lang kibuan, wala na lang pakihan. Siguro yung problema ko, masyado ako nagpapaapekto, at di ko alam kung paano ipa-bounce na lang yung mga masasakit na salita, na baka nabitaw lang sa galit....

Eh kasi totoo naman eh diba. Matabang, pangit na puta nga naman. Tanga't kadire. Walang kwenta, walang respeto, walang paki sa iba.

Eh kasi totoo naman diba.

Alam kaya nilang masakit? Sa bagay, gusto mo rin naman ako sigurong saktan. So masaktan na lang rin noh, dahil kung yun lang ang magagawa ko para mapasaya ka, kahit konti... O di masaktan at magdugo na lang ako.

bakit sa akin masakit? hindi ko pa mailabas, hindi ko maiyak. or dahil ba hindi ako naiiyak? dahil wala akong ilalabas?

tama nga ba yung sinabi ni mama? :C or di lang nag si-sink in? Ano bang problema ko?

Tanga yata.

jose miguel

thank you so much.

i make people's hearts ache so much, especially you and mama. thank you for putting up with me. more than that, thank you for always running the extra mile for me, kahit na may tahi yung ulo mo. :')

hulog ka talaga ng langit.

i should get back to the habit of blogging. was reading past entries and they were just so much fun to browse through. :))

i just seem like a really bipolar girl with all the extreme emotions going on =))))) i guess i only blog when i'm extremely emotional and have no other outlet.


so yeah. i was reading blogposts as far back as april2008... found proof that migs just kind of dropped in my life without the slightest warning.

Migs Abrillo, you make my heart boom boom at random times of the day, even when you aren't with me. :3 mrrrrm

missing you

i miss you, kahit nasulyapan lang kita kanina pag-alis mo. :(

i wish you were here, that i could have dinner with you, snuggle up to you. :( sana mapagpatawag mo ako, and i know i always say sorry and i keep on doing all the wrong things over and over... siguro malapit ka na mag-explode sa sobrang gulo kong tao.

:'( please, gusto ko bumawi. sorry sorry sorry, i want to be more for you.

feels ugly.

i love having this blog back.

today i learned that a lot of other people got callbacks for the movie. Apparently, it isn't the height or the weight or the color of my skin. It's about my face.

Don't get me wrong, on normal days, I love myself. I love every pimple and defect and crooked tooth. It's just that it's true that no matter what anyone says, there is still an operational definition for beautiful. and I am not that. Yeah, they all say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but there are studies proving what kind of face is most appealing to people, most pleasing.

They say love yourself for who you really are and love every bit of you, and i do. I really do.

But we live in a commercial world, and to make this movie work, they need faces that will sell. Who cares about the naked ugly truth, twisting her hand up in the air? Who cares about my fuego, about the truth in my body that contorts my face?

They want to capture a glimmer of what is flamenco, not the essence; it's just a tangy feel at the tip of your tongue, it isn't for eating. They are dipping their toes in the ocean, and they know not what lies in the deep openness of the sea.

I may be rationalizing, making it hurt less. It hurts to be typically ugly. It hurts more to see the beauty in me, and find that people will not take the time to dig me up.