something's the matter

but i've no idea what the hell is out of place again.

The nights are growing longer and lonelier, and I'm left alone with my thoughts and my imagination. I used to think that creativity and thinking about things always yielded good things... It just drives my crazy now. I fly to Andromeda and I drink stardust and moonshine, drop to the pits of hell and talk to the dead. Scream and dance in a senseless pattern of hands weaving in and out of dreams and grace.

I scare myself sometimes.

I don't know what I need what I want. I've always groped blindly, trying to make all the right mistakes. I fall some, and it's so hard to pick up the pieces when you don't know where you've left them.

Last night, my hands were dancing and by the dim moonlight I imagined myself to be outside on the grass. Singing with constellations and galaxies to be born still. But I didn't want the entire sky to reach endlessly. I needed the trees and the soil and the sand to anchor me, to be within range, because I knew I could get dizzy and I could fall out into space.

I needed an anchor. I guess life really is lonely. We live and breathe and die alone. Defining moments where you need someone to hold your hand are defined by their very absence, by the inability of them to reach through space and time and touch you when you are at the lip of the grave, pull you back.

I forget the point, sometimes.

Sometimes, I find strength in looking into eyes that don't look back, and somewhere deep within me, my heart opens and the universe comes spilling out in song. Sometimes. But not very often.

We search for things in places high and low, and we never really find the place to put ourselves into. Is that the test of life? To see how well you can make a place in the world, to test and stretch limits, to lose and never find, to search and never conquer?

There are no ideals, only compromises. Only systems. Only war and disagreement. We just wade through it, try to keep afloat. Is this a test?

No wonder we believe in heaven.

on newfound and lost love

hmmmm, it's been a long time since i've blogged here...
well, i don't want to make the comeback all about bad energy, so i'm not going to blog about ate camila....


let's see.


I guess, I just want to say again how completely amazing you are. I can never completely get my head around that fact. The reality and stability of you. Your confidence and your humility and your steadfast belief in this wonderful mistake we made.

I used to read books and watch movies and I'd cringe, and I never really got how you could get so lost in one person. Grow so dependent and so intertwined with that life does manage to look like one path, instead of a separate two. I'm so in over my head, rendered so completely and utterly silly, that at this moment, the logical voice in me can't even come up with a good objection to that.

Why not?, I breathe. Why not, indeed.

Karen Tividad texted me this emo quote thing once, but it's in my other phone, so I've probably lost it. It went along the lines of her asking me, who are we to decide when the right age is to love? who to love? what love is or isn't?

Does it really matter if we've known each other for a day, a week or a year? It comes when it comes -- thousands live by it and even more die without it. Who gets to say what it is or when it's supposed to come?

It's here now.




We're here now.