feels ugly.

i love having this blog back.

today i learned that a lot of other people got callbacks for the movie. Apparently, it isn't the height or the weight or the color of my skin. It's about my face.

Don't get me wrong, on normal days, I love myself. I love every pimple and defect and crooked tooth. It's just that it's true that no matter what anyone says, there is still an operational definition for beautiful. and I am not that. Yeah, they all say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but there are studies proving what kind of face is most appealing to people, most pleasing.

They say love yourself for who you really are and love every bit of you, and i do. I really do.

But we live in a commercial world, and to make this movie work, they need faces that will sell. Who cares about the naked ugly truth, twisting her hand up in the air? Who cares about my fuego, about the truth in my body that contorts my face?

They want to capture a glimmer of what is flamenco, not the essence; it's just a tangy feel at the tip of your tongue, it isn't for eating. They are dipping their toes in the ocean, and they know not what lies in the deep openness of the sea.

I may be rationalizing, making it hurt less. It hurts to be typically ugly. It hurts more to see the beauty in me, and find that people will not take the time to dig me up.