fame

i watched fame, the movie. it was both less and more this time around. all in terms of choreography, acting, singing, etc etc etc... i think i was thinking about it too much... too busy evaluating and not letting me sit back and just let it sink in and listen.

I eventually did, towards the end. Ano nga ba ang fame, para sa akin? Why do I beat myself up over flamenco day in and day out?

Easy enough to answer: There's a connection, a spark, a flame. I'm me, when I'm twisting my hands up in the air and breathing for the compas.

Pero fame? I've no delusions. It's hard to climb all the way up and see it plummet down. I mean, look at Clara, my gad. That's a heartbreaker. Flamenco is so strict, so obsessed with PURO with blood with your history. I don't know how to get in. I don't want to delude myself, because I know I don't stand a chance to even get to that top, tight ring.

I wonder if I would dance any better if my nationality, my blood, weren't a factor. If fame and glory were real and tangible, would I work harder, be more intricately into it than I am now?

All of a sudden, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

ganun ba ko kasama, kalala, na di lang isang ate ang nagtangkang umalis na ng bahay pero DALAWA, dahil sa akin?

wala na lang akong magawang tama. Bakit ba kasi ang bobo bobo mo, ang tamad tamad pa. sabi mo magbabago ka na, pero ganyan ka pa rin.

Bakit yung mga pinakamamahal mo, yun pa yung kailangan mo pang pagtrabahuhan na ibigin ka rin. Meron kayang philo/psychological answer dito? Paano kaya kung wala na lang akong paki? Meron namang mga pamilya na kayang tumakbo ng ganun. Wala na lang kibuan, wala na lang pakihan. Siguro yung problema ko, masyado ako nagpapaapekto, at di ko alam kung paano ipa-bounce na lang yung mga masasakit na salita, na baka nabitaw lang sa galit....

Eh kasi totoo naman eh diba. Matabang, pangit na puta nga naman. Tanga't kadire. Walang kwenta, walang respeto, walang paki sa iba.

Eh kasi totoo naman diba.

Alam kaya nilang masakit? Sa bagay, gusto mo rin naman ako sigurong saktan. So masaktan na lang rin noh, dahil kung yun lang ang magagawa ko para mapasaya ka, kahit konti... O di masaktan at magdugo na lang ako.