i defy you, stars.

fame

2010-05-26T02:30:00.002+08:00

i watched fame, the movie. it was both less and more this time around. all in terms of choreography, acting, singing, etc etc etc... i think i was thinking about it too much... too busy evaluating and not letting me sit back and just let it sink in and listen.

I eventually did, towards the end. Ano nga ba ang fame, para sa akin? Why do I beat myself up over flamenco day in and day out?

Easy enough to answer: There's a connection, a spark, a flame. I'm me, when I'm twisting my hands up in the air and breathing for the compas.

Pero fame? I've no delusions. It's hard to climb all the way up and see it plummet down. I mean, look at Clara, my gad. That's a heartbreaker. Flamenco is so strict, so obsessed with PURO with blood with your history. I don't know how to get in. I don't want to delude myself, because I know I don't stand a chance to even get to that top, tight ring.

I wonder if I would dance any better if my nationality, my blood, weren't a factor. If fame and glory were real and tangible, would I work harder, be more intricately into it than I am now?

All of a sudden, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

2010-05-21T02:21:00.002+08:00

ganun ba ko kasama, kalala, na di lang isang ate ang nagtangkang umalis na ng bahay pero DALAWA, dahil sa akin?

wala na lang akong magawang tama. Bakit ba kasi ang bobo bobo mo, ang tamad tamad pa. sabi mo magbabago ka na, pero ganyan ka pa rin.

Bakit yung mga pinakamamahal mo, yun pa yung kailangan mo pang pagtrabahuhan na ibigin ka rin. Meron kayang philo/psychological answer dito? Paano kaya kung wala na lang akong paki? Meron namang mga pamilya na kayang tumakbo ng ganun. Wala na lang kibuan, wala na lang pakihan. Siguro yung problema ko, masyado ako nagpapaapekto, at di ko alam kung paano ipa-bounce na lang yung mga masasakit na salita, na baka nabitaw lang sa galit....

Eh kasi totoo naman eh diba. Matabang, pangit na puta nga naman. Tanga't kadire. Walang kwenta, walang respeto, walang paki sa iba.

Eh kasi totoo naman diba.

Alam kaya nilang masakit? Sa bagay, gusto mo rin naman ako sigurong saktan. So masaktan na lang rin noh, dahil kung yun lang ang magagawa ko para mapasaya ka, kahit konti... O di masaktan at magdugo na lang ako.

2010-04-19T01:05:00.002+08:00

bakit sa akin masakit? hindi ko pa mailabas, hindi ko maiyak. or dahil ba hindi ako naiiyak? dahil wala akong ilalabas?

tama nga ba yung sinabi ni mama? :C or di lang nag si-sink in? Ano bang problema ko?

Tanga yata.

jose miguel

2010-03-02T22:20:00.002+08:00

thank you so much.

i make people's hearts ache so much, especially you and mama. thank you for putting up with me. more than that, thank you for always running the extra mile for me, kahit na may tahi yung ulo mo. :')

hulog ka talaga ng langit.

2010-02-20T22:33:00.003+08:00

i should get back to the habit of blogging. was reading past entries and they were just so much fun to browse through. :))

i just seem like a really bipolar girl with all the extreme emotions going on =))))) i guess i only blog when i'm extremely emotional and have no other outlet.

so yeah. i was reading blogposts as far back as april2008... found proof that migs just kind of dropped in my life without the slightest warning.

Migs Abrillo, you make my heart boom boom at random times of the day, even when you aren't with me. :3 mrrrrm

missing you

2010-02-15T19:31:00.002+08:00

i miss you, kahit nasulyapan lang kita kanina pag-alis mo. :(

i wish you were here, that i could have dinner with you, snuggle up to you. :( sana mapagpatawag mo ako, and i know i always say sorry and i keep on doing all the wrong things over and over... siguro malapit ka na mag-explode sa sobrang gulo kong tao.

:'( please, gusto ko bumawi. sorry sorry sorry, i want to be more for you.

feels ugly.

2010-02-11T01:14:00.004+08:00

i love having this blog back.

today i learned that a lot of other people got callbacks for the movie. Apparently, it isn't the height or the weight or the color of my skin. It's about my face.

Don't get me wrong, on normal days, I love myself. I love every pimple and defect and crooked tooth. It's just that it's true that no matter what anyone says, there is still an operational definition for beautiful. and I am not that. Yeah, they all say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but there are studies proving what kind of face is most appealing to people, most pleasing.

They say love yourself for who you really are and love every bit of you, and i do. I really do.

But we live in a commercial world, and to make this movie work, they need faces that will sell. Who cares about the naked ugly truth, twisting her hand up in the air? Who cares about my fuego, about the truth in my body that contorts my face?

They want to capture a glimmer of what is flamenco, not the essence; it's just a tangy feel at the tip of your tongue, it isn't for eating. They are dipping their toes in the ocean, and they know not what lies in the deep openness of the sea.

I may be rationalizing, making it hurt less. It hurts to be typically ugly. It hurts more to see the beauty in me, and find that people will not take the time to dig me up.

there's beauty in the breakdown

2010-01-29T01:45:00.002+08:00

No offense to Clara, but I wish I could go to Japan or Spain or even the US. Train with other teachers who are as good, maybe even better than her. Learn from different teachers, learn different techniques, learn my compas better.

flamenco consumes me. I don't know when that exact point was, when I figured out how to look inside me and grab onto my soul, rip it out of my body through my feet and my hands. expression with my entire being. I remember learning steps and memorizing and knowing for a while.

And then finally understanding the yearning and the longing and the intensity and passion. That feeling that I was made to dance to move like this. That every breath I wanted to take, I wanted to take it in with the same agony and the concentration and awareness of every part of me, only vaguely aware of what's happening around me.

And then to wake up in a middle of a stage, utterly consumed and dazed.

Tragic

2010-01-26T01:29:00.002+08:00

1.26.10.

Wow. Blogger is fixed again?

Feeling kind of tragic with revelations of tonight. There's a quiet sort of hysteria rising up with me and I don't know if it's confusion or despair or disgust or grasping at straws I was never meant to have, straws I never tasted, straws I don't really need. Just because I'm selfish and curious.

Awkward turtle babies of a quarter million.

Why am I so sad about this? I don't get it, don't get myself. I know I've moved on, but... I DONT KNOW. I'm just drowning in this in this quiet sort of hysteria rising up in me and i don't know if it's confusion or despair or disgust or grasping at straws I was never meant to have, straws I never tasted, straws I don't really need.

If I were a character in a book, like in Lovely Bones, for example. Alice and Susie would have all the answers all the explanations all the understanding for these feelings and movements that I can't even begin to untangle.

WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT?? I need someone to give me a slap in the face with reality. TELL ME WHAT AM I MISSING? There's something out of reach, something I know I can't see. :'C

why can't i ever be free from this?

something's the matter

2009-07-15T12:56:00.002+08:00

but i've no idea what the hell is out of place again.

The nights are growing longer and lonelier, and I'm left alone with my thoughts and my imagination. I used to think that creativity and thinking about things always yielded good things... It just drives my crazy now. I fly to Andromeda and I drink stardust and moonshine, drop to the pits of hell and talk to the dead. Scream and dance in a senseless pattern of hands weaving in and out of dreams and grace.

I scare myself sometimes.

I don't know what I need what I want. I've always groped blindly, trying to make all the right mistakes. I fall some, and it's so hard to pick up the pieces when you don't know where you've left them.

Last night, my hands were dancing and by the dim moonlight I imagined myself to be outside on the grass. Singing with constellations and galaxies to be born still. But I didn't want the entire sky to reach endlessly. I needed the trees and the soil and the sand to anchor me, to be within range, because I knew I could get dizzy and I could fall out into space.

I needed an anchor. I guess life really is lonely. We live and breathe and die alone. Defining moments where you need someone to hold your hand are defined by their very absence, by the inability of them to reach through space and time and touch you when you are at the lip of the grave, pull you back.

I forget the point, sometimes.

Sometimes, I find strength in looking into eyes that don't look back, and somewhere deep within me, my heart opens and the universe comes spilling out in song. Sometimes. But not very often.

We search for things in places high and low, and we never really find the place to put ourselves into. Is that the test of life? To see how well you can make a place in the world, to test and stretch limits, to lose and never find, to search and never conquer?

There are no ideals, only compromises. Only systems. Only war and disagreement. We just wade through it, try to keep afloat. Is this a test?

No wonder we believe in heaven.

on newfound and lost love

2009-07-11T11:13:00.002+08:00

hmmmm, it's been a long time since i've blogged here...
well, i don't want to make the comeback all about bad energy, so i'm not going to blog about ate camila....

let's see.

I guess, I just want to say again how completely amazing you are. I can never completely get my head around that fact. The reality and stability of you. Your confidence and your humility and your steadfast belief in this wonderful mistake we made.

I used to read books and watch movies and I'd cringe, and I never really got how you could get so lost in one person. Grow so dependent and so intertwined with that life does manage to look like one path, instead of a separate two. I'm so in over my head, rendered so completely and utterly silly, that at this moment, the logical voice in me can't even come up with a good objection to that.

Why not?, I breathe. Why not, indeed.

Karen Tividad texted me this emo quote thing once, but it's in my other phone, so I've probably lost it. It went along the lines of her asking me, who are we to decide when the right age is to love? who to love? what love is or isn't?

Does it really matter if we've known each other for a day, a week or a year? It comes when it comes -- thousands live by it and even more die without it. Who gets to say what it is or when it's supposed to come?

It's here now.

We're here now.

to(last)night

2009-04-16T00:18:00.003+08:00

it was a good night. a good day.

i didn't particularly enjoy the execom meeting part. haaaaaaaaaay.

but i liked doing stuff for him. it made me feel useful. i liked the feeling of kinda sweating and having to be patient and doing all sorts of dumb stuff just so i can make life easier for him. specially since he's not exactly in tip top condition nowadays.

haaaaaaaaaaay. i think i want to do that often. i hope you'll let me do that more often. :)

then we went to his house and played cranium with his younger siblings and cousins. it was fun. :))

+++
note: fell asleep on the couch. have not done anything for CWTS. adam, don't kill me. haha.

a list to remember - updated feb11,2010

2009-04-13T09:52:00.003+08:00

in green: have read them
in red: heard about them, read something about them... books i should buy
in bold: if you're gonna buy my books, buy these!! :D

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 The Complete Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - author??
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia Series - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres Mais
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood -- have it, but have yet to read
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

2009-04-13T08:55:00.002+08:00

i guess i ought to type everything out before i forget it...

day 1:
mmm, slept through most of the flight and got a really sore neck. there was a really cute marching band (who was not marching?) that greeted us as we got down from the plane tho. HAHAHA! and me and mama funny danced.

mmmm i don't remember much from the first day except the crocodile farm with the really huge crocodile bones and remains and the partial head of a sperm whale and holding the little baby croc that peed on me i think. ah well, sinasakal ko ata sya sa sobrang tense ko. hahahaha :P

oh and we also went to the butterfly farm with the annoying lady shaking the branches. biznitch.
and to iwahig with all the inmates just roaming around. :| hmmm.

and we ate in badjao seafront!!!! can you say NYORM? NYORM? NYORM??? nyorm nyorm nyorm...

day 2:
we went to the underground river! :] pretty beach there and i was still bleeding so i went emo-like and built a mound of sand somewhere and put a leaf on it and put RIP. and nicki was all. :| when she went to get me. the waves looked big and fun and i didn't want to be there while everyone else had wicked fun. nyarrr. drama drama drama happened..

anyway, gandaaaaaaaaaaa.underground river cave stuff was pretty damn cool. AND SCARY. in the total bleeding darkness, and i was holding the light and the water was i dont remember how many meters deep but DEEP. and the highest point of the mountain was like FTW SCARY I AM A SMALL INSIGNIFICANT BEING kind of thing because i have no idea how that shit formed.

ooooh and the outcropping with Jesus' face on it was pretty cool. even sandra was like woah. which says a lot. haha.

and there was a doctor person who died there in that beach just outside. around 10 years ago, at a doctor's convention and sina tita inday were there too! and swimming there just the day before he died. ftw.

and there were bayawaks and monkeys everywhere while we ate our lunch. (ate couldn't finish hers) and we brought our feet up on the table because there were like three or four which came around and went under our table and they are HUGE and EEWW and scary and fascinating and stuff. :D

day 3:
Honda Bay! so i went snorkelling. and hindi naman ako tinagusan on the way back so that's good. the fish feeding was crazy fun. i picked up a lot of sand dollars!! :]

there was this part where we snorkelled in the open sea. it wasn't that deep at the corals part but it was pretty daaaaamn scary you know.

and it was kind of sad and fun to see the corals recuperating and gaining life and coral in some parts! it didn't have to be that way. anyway mayor hagedorn (shit how do you spell that again) is the shiznit. more on that laaaater.

what is even more sad is Global Warming and how some of the corals were starting to bleach white. :[ now, that's something we can't really do a lot about anymore. :(

anyway, i have a funny tan line because i wore shorts all day. ewwww. hahahaha.

day 4:
dolphin watching!!!!!!!! is the shiznit.. went through kanas kanas (hhahaha) and then... peace! and many many pods of dolphins all around! spinner dolphins spinning spinning even the baby ones and they are jumping jumping out of the water and it was craaaaaazy! i especially loved it when they were beside the boat and i was like ZOMG they are right there. @_@

then we bought a yellow fin tuna fish from this guy in a neighboring bangka and it was like half the length of my body and around 10?? kg heavy. THAT IS ONE MEAN TUNA.

and then we ate sashimi on the boat. >:) nyom nyom nyom

day 5:
wala. went home! ate at kaya express for ate cam's grad thing. eugene couldnt come kasi wala raw kasama si lucy sa bahay nya. and i think lucy had too much fun over there with all the attention and little kiddies. hahaha. bakasyon rin sya. :)

saw my boyfriend and kissed him silly for being such a good boy and not being a needy attention hog. :]

ANYWAY MOVING ON TO MAYOR EDWARD S. HAGEDORN AND ECOTOURISM
the environmental sustainability projects there just BLOWS MY MIND. the waste disposal, the dual solar-wind panels for street lights are only put in spots on the roads where there are people living there. CAN YOU SAY BRILLIANT? no need for electric lines and dirty, wasteful energy.

God, can you imagine the amount of investment in those dual energy panels?! and shit, the city is so clean, the anti-littering ban is crazy.

the people of puerto LOVE hagedorn, and it's not hard at all to see why. im not a palaweno and I love him!

and SHIT, they don't support mining activities, they're not allowed to get bird's nest for soup, they limit and regulate tourism so that only certain groups can go at a time and it's not overcrowded... the local community BENEFITS from tourism. it's added income! shiiiit maaaaan.

who knew?! and the thing is they get so much support from IMF, WWF, etc because that's the global trend! GEEZ! if only other cities and towns and mayors could see that!

but then again, not a lot of big cities have tourism on their side. Haaaaaaay. Basta, all i know is that... im going back to palawan

El Nido to rock climb
Tubbataha reef
Tabon caves
Pawikans and dugong

when i learn to scuba dive. GOD IT'S BEAUTIFUL THERE.

2009-03-26T22:30:00.003+08:00

i feel bad about CD. like i don't know anybody there anymore, can't talk or relate or bond with the people there anymore.
i am only sure of three people: adam, enan and mitch.

it kind of sucks that i cant have "the best of all worlds" --> ala hannah montana. =)) kadiri.

sometimes, i feel like i have to choose.

i guess it's true that once you're attached, you have to compromise some things because, in truth, you don't just belong to you anymore. when you commit to someone, there's this some kind of unspoken agreement that you belong with that person -- you're sharing a big chunk of you. (social psych hahahaha)

i've had a lot to compromise. i let go of some of my alone time, curbed and downplayed malandi behavior, admitted to the fact that flexibility and mobility doesn't come easy anymore.

i miss it, actually. being able to move and speak and flirt shamelessly without fear of consequence. i miss not caring.

but i wouldn't trade all that senseless meandering and lonely, empty feeling for even just ONE of your hugs. i love you so much, sometimes it feels like the world doesn't need another hippie like me.

we give and we take. we lose and we gain. weight. a minute. ang corny... hahahahaha.

you know when i said that i'm not afraid, because i was so sure that we had all the time in the world to get wherever we wanted to be? well, as it turns out, im finally right about one thing.

i think. i hope this doesnt jinx it tho. hahaha.

-------------
from City of Angels:

What's it like?
What?
Warmth.
It's wonderful.
If you'd known this was going to happen...would you have done it?

I would rather have had one breath of her hair,
one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand
...than an eternity without it.

One.

love burns brighter than sunshine

2009-03-12T20:30:00.001+08:00

... and suddenly you're mine. :)

2009-02-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

Okay. Mahirap magmahal diba. Pero patuloy pa rin.
I was meant for other things, and it's clear. I'm okay. :)

See you soon, Lord. Bisitahin kita sa OLPP as soon as possible. hehe.

2009-02-21T02:15:00.001+08:00

i love ASTIG.
i needed to loosen. :))

and my very very cute boyfriend whom i now miss quite so terribly. haaaaaaaaayyyyy.

2009-01-25T09:47:00.001+08:00

im dreaming about it agaaaain. @_@ TIME TO STOP

7

2009-01-24T01:21:00.001+08:00

still happy... it's WEIRD, seriously. :))

2009-01-18T20:52:00.002+08:00

hey, God. i kinda miss You. hindi ko naman na-realize na dalawang linggo na akong hindi nagsisimba. sorry about that. :( sana hindi Ka nagtatampo sa akin. alam ko namang naiintindihan Mong busy ako, pero siguro mahirap rin intindihin kung bakit hindi ako makapaglaan ng kahit isang oras lang para makasama Ka.

haaaaaay. dati, akala ko na okay na tayo. hindi ko alam kung bakit ang hirap i-sustain yung ganun. actively seeking ata dapat. pareho siguro Kayo ni migs na sobrang demanding sa time. si migs kasi eh, inaagawan Ka ng time. hahahaha. joke.

love You. wait for meeeeee!!!! hehe. kita kits soon.

obviously confused

2009-01-18T12:10:00.003+08:00

lit choir
-- saw them last night at nicki's debut. i miss that. im trying not to miss that so much.

ictus
-- i dont know.

cd
-- i wonder if it's going to be a regular thing, wanting to shift out every now and then. i don't see the point, i don't seem to be learning anything new. i learn more from my GEs than i do from my majors. it's all repetitive and boring. useless and going nowhere.

like people trying to make a 3-hour report out of something you can explain in 5 minutes.

i don't know if it's worth anything. i don't know what i want to do anymore. i think my running for chair will just be a matter of pride. even ictus is better than cd now. i don't know if it's the company, or the disappointment. i dont know what to do. i wouldn't know where to shift to. maybe i should get a double degree or something. :|

flam
-- i worry about my sanity, my weight and my life. i need clara to keep me sane, to keep me BREATHING and to keep me calm. the search for alternatives commences after hell week.

migs
-- love you still. im quite surprised, actually. :P hahaha i always will be surprised, i suppose, that i am actually managing not to fall out of love with you. :* growth and progress is slow, but we have all the time in the world. :)

family
-- i kinda miss you guys. :\

when you asked me why

2008-12-31T16:38:00.001+08:00

why? because i know only love now. :)

2008-12-31T14:09:00.002+08:00

all things considered, i had a smashing Christmas vacation. so far, each day has been overwhelmingly beautiful. at least, that's all i can come up with when i think back.

as always, there a few people i still miss despite the happiness. people i wish i could've seen at least, if not spend some quality time with. but we can't always have what we want. and what i already have is, by far, more than i thought i'd ever get this year.

it's turning 2009 in a couple of hours. 2008 was a pretty good year. it had its ups and downs and turnarounds, but then again, it's that way every year, isn't it?

i guess 2008's the year i learned how to love again, the year i let myself love again. it's the year of finding myself too -- a lot of general self-improvement happened.

it's not just the year of finally managing to trick some poor defenseless guy into liking me, but actually finding it in me to love him back just as much as i used to love. it's because i learned how to dance and laugh again. i've still a long way to go, there's still a much better danica out there i can be. but it was a good bounce back from 2007. i feel, paradoxically, like the old me, but also a new and better me. :)

i realize also, that i've been undervaluing people a lot, and been comparing a lot. been too busy missing the past, to enjoy what i have now. so if there's anything i want to do better next year, it's to not be so afraid of loving with all that i goddamn have in me to love.

so CHEERS! ~ i hope next year is even better, i a lot in me to make things happen. :)

<3

2008-12-26T12:17:00.001+08:00

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

:) i had a fantastic one. hope you guys did, too.

2008-12-18T20:07:00.000+08:00

FIREWORKS!!!! @_@

2008-12-16T02:34:00.002+08:00

sometimes i don't even know if you say things because you know it's what i want to hear, because you know it's what will make me stay and say okay okay. i don't know what the truth is anymore sometimes, if you're trying to make my truths yours just so we'll be okay. i don't know if that's how you really meant it to the depths of your core, what you felt at that exact moment.

but i also understand how hard it must be to have to deal with me saying so much and butting in every so often. i think im starting to understand ate camila a lot better now too.

and you know what? that's what i want to get to know more. with you and ate camila. that very depths of you, what are your truths, what it is you're not telling me or can't tell me or afraid to tell me. what is it that gets tangled up in your mouth in your rush to get it out? i want to untangle it, solve the mystery, know what you really meant at that moment, with no pressure and no tears and screaming or fear or anger.

who are you? suddenly im not so sure.
but rest assured, i intend to find out.

2008-12-12T22:12:00.000+08:00

i am... amazed.

2008-12-08T22:22:00.001+08:00

ang bigat bigat bigat ng puso ko. buti na lang may boyprens ako pang-distract.

pero di pa rin maiwasan na sa kadulu-duluhan ng lahat, iyak pa rin ako ng iyak bago matulog.

2008-12-01T23:13:00.002+08:00

i am so miserable it's RIDICULOUS!

i cant wash my hair because i have four, i repeat, FOUR BASTARDIC BLISTERS ON MY HAAAAAAAAAAAAANDS. if i didn't enjoy it so much, i'd probably cry.

now on top of having to wash my hair with my KNUCKLES, my hands are not so smooth to hold no more :(( boohoohoohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

and

taking a bath is such a chore!

therefore

i shall take a bath in the morning. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i just want it to be love

2008-11-27T23:44:00.000+08:00

who knows where
who goes there
who knows
here goes

2008-11-25T23:21:00.002+08:00

im so scared all of a sudden and i dont know why... it's just that you're so breathtaking that it hurts and im just scared.

you know how sometimes you just sleep right away so that tomorrow comes sooner? i wish i could do that, fast forward to the future. instead, i can't sleep. like on those nights where i listen to music and have the heavy feeling compound in my gut area until the sun rises again and i'm so so so tired and sad.

it's just physics, you know. what goes up, must come down.
oh, a miracle. i believe in magic, anyway.

i just need help to be STRONG and BRAVE. i need to have my back up now, so that i'm not so afraid to fall. o_O app or na bukas, lapit na yun!

2008-11-24T21:21:00.002+08:00

you know you're getting in too deep when a boy you used to like offers to kiss you and you say "no" with no hesitations. when everything that seemed so bad the night before doesn't seem so bad the morning after, just because you understand. when your heart still drops to your stomach, even after all this time.

and you know, there'll be a thousand million hundred other blogs like this, and i'm just so damned scared of all those big black holes i can get sucked into somewhere in the future. it's inevitable. but i'm getting in too deep, and somehow... tangina, happy trumps scary.

anyway. made new friends today! masaya kasi i guess pe3 won't be so bad. SANA. hahaha. bait ng rh friends ni migs :)) di pala scary

oh well, here's to challenges. CHEERS

2008-11-12T21:10:00.002+08:00

before i do the minutes of the meeting ng daluyong and other stuff...

we had a show today, me and bonbon. and it was supposed to be a great show. we were very rehearsed, and clara wasnt breathing down our necks and was happy and you know! that was a humongous thing so we must've been good. and i was so ready to get out there and dance for other people.

and when we got there, our stage was like four pieces of plywood on the floor, in the middle of greenbelt 5. like you know how there are stores on each side of the mall and some sort of bridge that connects both sides? our stage was set on one of those weird bridges. we had no lights, no dressing room near enough, and our sound system was a puny portable stereo. we couldnt hear anything. the audience couldnt hear anything.

so we decided not to do costume changes anymore, and we started to do the show. we were 2 dances in, and bonbon was doing her solo. and then the music stopped. PUTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and we were both so confused no one was doing anything and bonbon was still trying to dance so i had to go in and start doing palmas for her!!! and then we did fandangos which was okay except that we didnt designate the front. and then break for jaleo and then fuego na. so bonbon had to do the thing with the mantons and then the music stopped AGAIN.

AND I WANTED TO CRY! i was seriously considering singing the melody of the fuego just for the manton part. bonbon just finished her part and i didnt go in na. we tried again to play the music (bonbon not dancing anymore) but it stopped. AGAIN. so we just skipped the entire fuego piece and moved on to sevillanas.

and the thing us the people were kinda nice and kept apologizing to us. i dont think they even let the audience now that it was a technical difficulty, and a fault on their part not ours (like bonbon asked them to do). it was horrible. mainly because i was so ready to be on stage again.

any good points? the owner of the store (he's from barcelona) said that we were comparable to dancers from spain. even with all the muck ups. i dunno, maybe he hasnt watched a lot of flamenco shows. clara said that difficulties like that make people dance better to compensate. she said we were probably dancing a hundred times better then than in the studio.

it didnt really feel that way to me. i was just so sad but just smiling and trying to keep the mood light because bonbon was so asar and bv already and it was showing a lot.

a day in the life, clara said. it's always like that. and it's true. despite all the requirements indicated there in the contract, there's always something missing. maybe she should specify her requirements more. she said now we know how she feels, always preparing and rehearsing. and then faced with something like that. and it's true. and it's her name on the line. her reputation at stake. haaaaaaaaaay.

regardless of all that, i was thinking in the car on the way home just how much flamenco sucks me in. the entire time i was in greenbelt 5, the world outside my flamenco life ceased to exist. i didnt have a family or a boyfriend or a labrador retriever or org recognition requirements to fix by friday. i never really realized how important it's become for me until just then; crawling along edsa underneath billboard lights, freezing in the car with my hurting feet.

i dunno. i guess people DO do crazy things when they're in love.

2008-11-11T23:06:00.001+08:00

i want a beer

adam

2008-11-06T00:21:00.002+08:00

okay this was supposed to be magic, and it still is going to be an entry about magic. but also about my blockmate, adam who is amazing AND filled with magic.

okay im just speechless now, after reading his entry. sometimes you keep on wondering about God and love, and this totoy boy comes up and makes a BEAUTIFUL thingymajig and... you couldn't be more naive about love. i mean i would've thought think he'd be the one all disillusioned and stuff but turns out it's me.

i love adam. :)) i wish things would work out.

wish i could talk to God like that.

uh so basically the magic part is gone from the post but it is SO INSIDE OF ME OKAY

2008-10-19T22:19:00.003+08:00

i asked a dude out on a date for tomorrow and i got rejected. which is weird because he has his perfectly legitimate reasons and i know what i said, what we talked about.

i don't know if there's a hole in my heart or if im feeling guilty or what. and it's like if i feel this way, how did he feel? and how can i be so unfair as to say that he has to blah blah blah but when i feel like it, then we go out.

it's not exactly the most fair thing in the world. i don't know. i feel like a manipulative bint and i have a hole in my heart and i don't know why... as it turns out, i don't know anything anymore. except that i want you so bad to be in my arms right now (or me in yours i dont care) and i want to fall asleep like that on my bed or even on the couch with all of lucy's fur and just NOT WORRY what my mom or people will think. just for once. just for tonight, more than anything in the world right now.

and not think about these CD papers i have to mail before 12 mn.

why does it have to be so different, what we want to feel and what we actually feel and what we feel about what we're feeling at that moment? haha labo.

i just miss singing my heart and my worries and fears out. i don't know why nothing will ever be enough as long as You aren't there. and i keep on waiting because im tired of hoping and praying, but it never is enough. i know im missing something to get it right. i just have no clue what it's supposed to be, what im supposed to do to set my world right-side up again.

2008-10-09T21:56:00.001+08:00

NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

what a week what a week what a week.

2008-10-07T23:28:00.002+08:00

it was a nice birthday. i have disgustingly corny and sweet thingamajig who is so silly and... corny. and sweet. :)) love you.

slightly sad because three very important people sort of kind of forgot my birthday. ziggy, who was prolly busy with finals. and trish. who remembered and was so hyper in her feeling bad that i had no choice but to feel so funny and hyper too. especially since dumaan sila nila tita irene and john sa bahay so lol-fest kaming 4 with mom and tita irene bonding. :))

and you. i guess super busy nga finals week sa ateneo. i understand naman. we haven't seen each other in a really long time. maybe my phone is being funky. iunno. it's okay. i know she still loves me a lot. it just feels weird, like something big is changing and i'm only realizing it now or something.

something like global warming and tidal waves starting to happen and im like... huh.

i dont know. remember when we were in mcdo and you made me cry with all the stuff you were saying the summer before our first year in college. i guess there's kind of a feeling of betrayal in me that you're doing everything you said people do to you. let go and move and you're so used to getting left behind but you dont blame them, you wont blame me... and i kept on crying and i couldn't understand you. but i guess i do now. we can't blame people or change or life going on. i know i'll always be special. that i WAS special once, and i'll take that.

ang drama ko. pero okay lang. i guess im STILL trying to move on from high school, we're all still holding on to memories. some people find something new and let go and create new ones. and we're so so so happy for you and seeing you happy. i haven't seen you that happy in a long time. i guess i shouldn't be so selfish, you can't always be only happy with me.

BAKIT AKO MADRAMA WHY.

im okay, really.

i actually had a really nice birthday. not so much tears as heartbreaks and corniness. hahahaha whut.

special thanks to raquel and pat for going to mass with me. :) and rani. and migs, as always, forever and ever. and CD people lalo na bern and enan for your fantastic gifts. and trish for passing by the house and also john and tita irene. :))

2008-10-05T23:40:00.000+08:00

IF ONLY I WERENT SO GRADE CONSCIOUS

2008-10-05T01:41:00.002+08:00

Love me tender,
Love me sweet,
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so.

Love me tender,
Love me true,
All my dreams fulfilled.
For my darlin' I love you,
And I always will.

Love me tender,
Love me long,
Take me to your heart.
For it's there that I belong,
And we'll never part.

Love me tender,
Love me dear,
Tell me you are mine.
I'll be yours through all the years,
'Till the end of time.

+++++

i blame jussy and her play. and elvis presley i guess since its his wonderful song.

oh, saps of the world unite! it's a wonderful night outside my house for dancing to the end of love in the soft, sweet, sweet, cool air and i miss you and i didn't even know it.

you know how life takes you by surprise? like you're all OH NO WHY and then you go and pray and then PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON WHO LIVES BY THE SEA! and you're all oh. wow. o_O thanks, God!

it's like that.

flying and skimming over the oceans

2008-10-01T22:13:00.002+08:00

i have no idea what i was thinking when i thought that i would be a big loss to Clara. as if i didn't learn enough when she just took penny and ronnie and tim leaving in a stride.

ah, well. second chances. im glad i got mine. :)
<3

2008-09-28T21:55:00.002+08:00

my jebs was testimony of just how HEALTHY it was there. haaaaaaaay.

it's true, i guess sir ed DID turn my world upside down.
and i do understand jussy now and if i werent such a huge damn pig, i'd probably go vegetarian too.

pero syempre small steps. avoiding the junk, and then someday, i'll become a farmer. or help tito butch and tita betta. and... I DONT KNOW

it's just that it's been looking bleak in CD, and suddenly, there's an answer. or part of it. an alternative. and it has so many things i fundamentally believe in just... ENSHRINED IN THE WHOLE CONCEPT.

like energy and the environment and love and sex and GOD OH MY GOD GOD and angels and astral travel and tea and everything. just everything. :)

okay, not everything. but a lot.

and i know there's a lot of propaganda and stuff in it, but that's okay. i know how to filter, and that there's no absolute truth in certain things. :)

YAY! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY

2008-09-24T22:57:00.002+08:00

God. i'm happy :)

tunay na feeling the corniness nga! siguro nga tama yun ano. kahit gaano pa man yun kadiri... may dahilan rin kung bakit sya nangyayari :)) :))

psssst. mahal na mahal kita, jose miguel consulta abrillo.
pero sssshhhh lang, kasi secret lang natin yun. :P :D
heehee

2008-09-23T23:05:00.002+08:00

mama said kanina when i came home, is there life outside migs? and i muttered no, not right now, but she didn't hear me.

today was nice. really nice. a really good day. admittedly, i've had a few of those ever since i've been seeing LC people last week, but i wanted this with him. na parang lang nung dati. and it's nice and light and there's no pressure and... :)

and then mama says that and i know it's true that im not studying so much. but when have i ever? the only difference is that i quit flam and that i cut a lot. but i get it now. im getting a lot of things now, and there's always next sem to be a better dancer, a better daughter, a better sister, student, friend, lover, etc etc etc

tas biglang CS/US ako. not likely but kung mangyari yun hmph. paniiiiiiiiisssssssss.

2008-09-12T21:17:00.002+08:00

i had a super scrumdiddlyumptious dinner with my mom kanina. she's trying this thing out where she dates me and my sisters and my dad one by one hahahaha.

i missed her so much, i have no idea why.

she's so cute and charming and animated and lovely and just full of energy and she empathizes with people like YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE to the point of physicality-ness. the thumb isn't even the start of anything.

MY MOM IS SO AMAZING AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH :')

baka the whole point of my nightmare last night was just that i missed her.
or something. hahahahahahaha. :)

i'm okay and that's okay! :)
hahahahahahaha labo.

mama

2008-09-12T00:29:00.002+08:00

so she was showing us the OFW drawings a while ago and i got side tracked for an hour or more. and then i saw mama's right thumb and it was all cracked and there was like a deep looking slice in it and it was just...

:(

and i was like

MOM!

whats that! and she's like oh, my hand gets like that when im stressed and it was just HORRIBLE, her thumb and i was just so shocked and stuff cause i didn't know it was that bad.

and im on a break right now from studying and i want to cry because my mom's hand is all cracked and sad and it's from too much giving and loving and stuff. in some sort of way, mama has a psychological green thumb and my GOD what a way to manifest it all and stuff

and i just want my mama and her thumb to be okay.

hahahahaha im so lame im crying now.

some nights you just want to run and hide

2008-09-11T02:09:00.002+08:00

and you realize that the point where nothing is kept secret will never come.

there will always be something more, something less, something painful, something something and you don't know if it's drama or self-realization or what.

i am such a selfish bitch sometimes. i become selfish when i say it, selfish when i don't say it.

you know what i'm scared of?
that's one thing only a girl can understand.

and my mom goes and warns me about it everyday and she tells me to go up and change and not be myself and not be so comfortable and secure because if i DO do those things, people up and find another who will. and who's to know, really, if certain people are or aren't like that?

2008-09-04T00:44:00.003+08:00

like i said, we need to know where to draw the line.

i tried drawing mine and i ended up rubbing it off with my ass. God knows. try and try and try. at least i have a pretty good grasp at self-concept.

know where to draw the line. im tired of not being taken seriously sometimes.

i mean, admittedly, i havent laughed as good or often or loud in a long time 'til you come walking along. and i do love love love laughing and having it all just on the easy side. but i think i'm more serious and thinking than laughing and now that i stop and think about it, it hurts to hide sometimes and be a boy and pretend that i don't mind.

i know you may think it silly. but it's MY religion.

you get a lot, you don't have to get it all right away. we'll work our way there. even i dont get me all the time. we're doing okay, doing okay.

it's normal, conflict.

2008-09-01T21:16:00.001+08:00

heehee :) :DDDDDDddddddddddddd

BRIGHTER THAN SUNSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE and suddenly you're miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine................... lalalalalalala

stop smiling, it's unallowed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*glompgnawgnawgnaw*

i'm so mad it's insane.

2008-09-01T00:30:00.002+08:00

truth be told, i haven't regretted anything for a long time now.

i must have woken up one day a few years or so ago and said. no regrets, move on to the future.

so this is HUGE, my regretting posting that hate blog on multiply just because i knew maradee and bonbon would read it. because it would mean that i cant just go back to flamenco now. it would mean that i would have to fix all my issues up with it. when i had no actual plans on doing that. when i'm not sure if that's even possible.

I DO NOT KNOW WHY I DIDNT FORSEE THIS.

i love flamenco so much sometimes that it HURTS when i think of it because my heart begins to pound to a compas and my feet and my fingers itch to stomp and twirl and my shoulders contort and start to feel when i didnt know it was possible to feel with them.

but the people are just so different. just too high-end. and i don't know how to deal except like this. i don't know how to fix it but i want it fixed so badly because i know i cant ever get it like that here in the Philippines except with Clara.

i love flamenco. but not enough to let her keep doing that to me.
but i love it love it love it so much that it hurts to stop.

2008-08-30T12:12:00.002+08:00

i had a dream last night and you were a small boy and you were with your barkada in my room which was airconditioned and i snuck in to use the bathroom and you didnt know i was there i thought you were all asleep and suddenly you spoke up and said that you didnt know how to deal with me anymore and you wanted to give up and and and and

it was scary.

yesterday, i saw a friend's wrist. and i didn't know how to react so i ignored it. i wanted to hug her and tell her that i knew i knew i knew. but you cant force people to tell you that it hurts, that everything is not okay and that it seems as if nothing will ever be. i want to help so bad because i've been there and i know how it feels where no amount of talking will ever sort it out and no amount of crying will purge you of the bad things inside and where the only time you'll ever stop feeling and at the same time feel is when you're digging into your skin with a dull hair chip and watching the blood and life drip from your heart.

and you wait and you cry and you claw your way through days until you wake up one day finally and realize that you're okay. and maybe you can start to learn how to love again.

2008-08-30T00:38:00.002+08:00

i lalalalalala you.

you take the good with the bad with the hyper with the tired with the sleepy with the clarity with the ambiguity with the oddity with the scars and tears and coffee and diets and love love love love love love love underneath the dull yellow light of the street lamps.

2008-08-21T19:32:00.002+08:00

there comes a point in time where you realize that you have just dug your own grave and decorated it with flowers and sunshine. so rumo-rolling pa rin ako, di ko lam kung up or down. parang pareho siguro. ewan.

how do you fix a heart once it's stopped beating?

that sounds familiar. it's stuck in my head. and the thing is, the more i get into cd, the more i get detached from things. spiritually dryyyyy nga lang ba itech?! hindi ko naman kayang pumayag na hindi na pala ito ang dun dun duuuuuun great plan of my life.

sabi ni ate na alam nyang si God ang nagsasalita when it makes sense and comes from nowhere. or osmething like that. :)) well. it makes sense, and no matter how hard i try to think about it, i have no idea where i got that crazy dumb idea from. or why i am so set to live out my life in such a tiring way. in such vague conditions that i can barely stand!

ideal-state theory of development

yan ang report namin ni berns. the critique for this is na it's IDEAL, it's not something you really believe will work out. ano kayang mangyayari sa mundo kung ang ideal ay pwede palang maging real? oh the mind fuckedness of it all! titihaya ang mundow!

ano bang dapat gawin when you're faced with something so mind fuckingly real pero ideal? syempre diba sasabihin OHOHOHO ano yung catch? yun naman parati eh. kasi kung tanggap ka lang ng tanggap, it sneaks up and nabs you in the ass. kailan ba huling nagkaroon ng patunay na mayroong ideal?

pero meron. with all its flaws and quirks, minsan hindi na masabi na ideal sya. pero in essence, ideal does exist. it's just that we're too busy looking at all the things that doesnt make it conform to perfection. sino ba ang nagtatakda ng perfection? ano ba ang ideal? hindi ba in essence lang rin ito? hindi ba't vague lang rin yun?

at kung merong ideal. o di ang ideal-state theory ay hindi na lamang isang descriptive na framework. given a set of conditions that define what you think that vague ideal essence is, pag maitukoy na kung ano yun na nakapagpasaya ng mga tao.... hindi na ba iyong ang simula?

ang sagot: morality na hindi itinatakda ng relihiyon. respeto.

pero ang mas madaling i-report at mas-applicable: NETWORKING PA RIN!

woaaaaaaaaaaaaaah eh di ba nagdudugo ang mga ilong niyo dun? what does it aaaaalllll meaaaannnn hahahahaha mind fucks

habang totoo rin na parang masyado akong nagpapaikot ikot ng mga walang katuturang mga bagay sa isip ko at pinagugulo ko lang ang aking energy flows.... totoo rin naman na hindi ko kayang magpanggap at takbuhan na lang ang lahat. ewan ko. siguro ngayon lang ako ulit naging babae at nagmuni muni. kaya di ko na nasubaybayan ang step-by-step na mga pangyayari. walang assessment.

blah dee blahhhhhh

+++++

balik so lolo sa nkti.

2008-08-07T22:57:00.004+08:00

so i'm not the second immaculate conceptor. hahaha. with the end of the week finally comes my period. finally.

i miss doing a lot of things. i miss dancing. and wall climbing. and swimming. i miss having time to do things i like instead of doing things i have to do.

i wonder why things look sort of bleak and dull in school. sir oskee is still the cutest bear thing ever, and he IS more motivating than either maam tan and sir manalo. it's just that i feel so raped and jaded by the reality that surrounds CD and i dont know what to do and im just tired of thinking and analyzing instead of being able to do anything. i just want someone to tell me what the answer is. parang, OKAY! SIRET!

tas yun na yun, akin na yung secrets ng universe. hahaha.

anyway. i said it today. he was just looking so bummed and worried and i was like. he'll never expect it now! haha.

i was having such a hard time saying it at first and you know how it went it every sort of way you didnt want it to go, but in a way it was enough. so i guess im not doing anything spectacular tomorrow. hahaha sabi niya sana hindi na lang niya ko pinilit. eh. i'll save the spectacularity for another time. in the meantime, i'm trying to settle into my mediocrity and lack of spectacularity. :P

i want to EXPLAIN to him, the whole agonizing process of how i reached that fucked up conclusion, but it didnt seem right just then. and i dont know. baka sa akin na lang yun. but i want to tell the world! HAHAHA WALA LANG.

eh given the circumstances, slight mahirap. :))

2008-08-03T01:14:00.002+08:00

hey hey.
you just vanished all the fear and tearing up inside, boy.

i love the rain. it's soothing and calming and,,,
underneath the street lights
in the middle of the street
at witching hour

it's just magic.

i missed... the rain. and the magic. and the company.
haaaaaaay.
ang buhay nga naman.

nkTi

2008-08-01T22:41:00.003+08:00

kaya pala di maintindihan ng mga tao pag sinasabi ko NKI. kasi NKTI na pala siya ngayon. hehehe. so andito kami ni ate nagbabantay. hanggang bukas ng 8am.

so my archaeo2 midterm was alright i guess. im not as satisfied as i would have wanted to be, but considering the circumstances, ayos lang.

ayos dito sa NKTI. hi-tech kahit government owned sya. sabi nila tita diana na kawawa raw yung mga mahihirap na walang rooms. i cant imagine how that works. double standard talaga haaaaay. pero may cable dito sa ICU visitors lounge kaya ayos. tapos hi-tech at maganda rin yung ICU.

daming kwento nila papa at tita diana kanina tungkol sa mga pangyayari kahapon at today. ang kwela talaga ng tatay ko magkwento. i love it! :)) hahahaha yak parang bading lang. anyway yun... lalung lalo na nung asa emergency room sa heart center si lolo tas eh two to a room. tas merong fat guy sa tabi niya (kurtina lang ang naghihiwalay sa kanila) na namamatay na and his wife and his mother were wailing and his little girl was crying and wanted to see him when he died. mga isang oras raw nila tntry i-revive. grabe raw yung staff nagkkwentuhan pa habang ginagawa nila yung mga shock stuff (parang movie lang raw aliw na aliw si papa) pero di naman sa lax sila. eh pano ba naman yun, ilang beses ba nila ginagawa yun araw araw? nakakamanhid nga naman siguro.

ok dito sa NKTI, head of dialysis si tita benita. lolo needs some sort of rectal dialysis ATA? and he's having his lungs drained of the water sa monday. at marami raw heads dito na kaibigan nila tito tony. so in good hands. ok rin pala na ninong ko ang isa sa mga pinaka kwela at mahusay na duktor dito sa pinas. very good. paano na lang kaya yung generation naming magpipinsan, walang kasing nag duktor. sino na magaalaga samen? hahahaha. dapat at least 10 years pa magtrabaho sina tita inday kasi yung mga anak ko! ... medyo weird rin palang mag joke ng ganun nowadays.

nahihirapan ako kasi wala akong masyadong makwentuhan kundi si adam na forever very understanding and loving and all. miss ko na yung ungas na yun. eh kasi masyadong BOY si ano eh. natatameme, walang masabi, gusto ilipat na lang yung topic. parang iniisip niya na 'di siguro masyadong malaking bagay ito or baka mas iisipin ko pa yung issue namin.

syempre walang wala na yun sa isipan ko ano!

ayoko naman ipag announce sa mga tao na ung mga phone brig na please pray for my lolo chuva kasi hipokrita ko naman, eh di nga ko nagdadasal eh! gusto ko lang naman na ipaalam sa kanila na sad ako at kelangan ko ng support. lalung lalo na sina jus at faye at trish kasi alam kong sila ang tunay kong taga pulot. haha what a term. kaso ayun nga. lahat ng tao abala at busy sa kani kanilang buhay. at di pa marunong makipag empathize ang aking manleh bff (best friend forever, ating). di ko lam kung matatawa ako o malulungkot.

siguro ok rin na di muna masyadong ipaalam at bigyan ng pansin. parang umaayos nanaman si lolo eh. well. i dunno. binisita namin sya kanina at makwela pa rin at ang dami dami pang hinihingi na pagkain. at sabi daw ng sabi kahit nung thursday pa na ok na raw sya. uwi na raw. gann naman si lolo. di mahilig umangal, pero i think he really is sick. matanda na rin sya. so yung nakita ko sya kanina, mejo natakot ako kasi napakalakas na lolo niya eh and he looked like an old sick lolo lying there instead of the super cool keri lang lolo that i know. conyo ko pakinggan.

muntik na mawala si lolo tapos iniisip ko lahat ng pagkakataon na iniimbitahan kami ni papa na dalawin sya. ngayon bang nangyari ito ay dadalasan ko na ang pagbisita dahil nakokonsensya ako? ngayon lang at di noon nung marami pang panahon at malayo pa ang panganib? hahahaha ang drama ko. wala lang.

kung iisipin, natural lang ang maraming namamatay. mas unnatural pa yung pagpigil natin kasi pang balance naman ang kamatayan diba? kailan kaya tayo nag-umpisang mtakot sa kamatayan?

mas nag-aalala ako actually for my dad. lalo na kanina (or kahapon, im picking up around a day and a half later kasi ang bobo ng internet dun sa laptop ni papa) nung nakasama ko s nicki sa AS tas nagsabi sya ng something tito tony said about my dad. ewan ko lang kung ala-joke yun or what. pero totoo ngang ang daming sakit ni papa sa katawan lately. haaaaaayyyyy.

i wrote something long on papa's laptop pero di ko lam kung bakit ayaw ma transfer ng maayos rar.

napapagod ako.

bilang padagdag.

2008-07-31T00:49:00.002+08:00

and it doesnt help that my concept of true and ideal love is based on shakespeare, neil gaiman and the totally fucked up minds of d/g shippers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu im so fucked up it's funny. =)) =)) tawang tawa ako right now.

DRACO YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE ME AT PEACE WILL YOU
ily still you fictional non existent sexy beast crycry.

oh.
and my readers are up a friend!

sa mga gg pala dyan, sana di mo knkwento yung mga pinagsusulat ko dito sa mga gg mong friends. pero i doubt it. kasi gg kayong lahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. buhuhu

2008-07-30T21:22:00.002+08:00

BUT IT'S DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE!

i dont want to exist without passion. in ANYTHING :(

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STOP THINKING NOW
kfinetnxbye

2008-07-29T23:52:00.002+08:00

and when i go all emo God sends all these messages from people. about things i worry about now, about things i worry about in the future. nagulat ako yung kay julian eh. haaaaaaaaaaaay. =))

"Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you." - Aldous Huxley. What will you do with what you've been through? Don't waste your pain; use it to help others.
- ervie mirano's text message

"You can never get what you want if you're too scared to get hurt."
- faye de leon's text message

"You are the one I love and have loved the most, and the only one I have sanely loved. Often I am bothered that I have never gone head over heels for you; that I don’t fall off my seat at the sight of you; that I do not stutter whenever we talk; nor do butterflies float in my stomach whenever we talk. You do not give me sleepless night nor sweet dreams. I love you so sanely it disturbs me.

I am confused at the realization that of all that I have loved, only with you have I not cried a river of tears. You simply make me smile - - you have never even taken my breath away.

My friends, Shakespeare and Sparks, tell me there’s something wrong about you not driving me crazy; they keep saying there is no sane romance. Sometimes, I am convinced. Still, I know you are the one I love and have loved the most.

We never have nor do we ever attempt to create magical moments together. We gladly bore each other for whole afternoons, and sometimes ‘til midnights. We are so meant to be that we are imperfect for each other.

Perhaps the beauty of this not-at-all crazy love is finding someone I will not die for. For the first time, I find someone I’ll rather live for. Someone I will not bleed because of; instead, someone I will be strong because of. Because I’m sanely yours, you will never be able to hurt me – all I will know is your loving me.

Do not worry. I am not waiting for a magical moment to knock me off my feet in ecstasy. You don’t have to give me flowers or write me love letters. I will be steadfast in loving you sanely and boringly, with a perpetual smile."

-Gian Abrahan yay :)

- julian canita's blog

+++++
okay, God. im kinda starting to get it. :))

it's in season.

2008-07-29T22:21:00.002+08:00

something's in the air. things are starting, people are getting together. galil, nyte, miggy, joseph... the list goes on. it's in season. :))

so nagkkwento ang mga tao and there's just a love bug biting everyone around. ewan ko na lang kung exclusive lang sa diliman or what pero HAHA. :P and everybody's so happy and kilig and was i like that? and am i in so deeply as they seem to be?

may mga pagkakapareho. maraming mga pagkakaiba.

and out of all these people who get together and who are so happy together, you can't help but wondering who gets to stay together and who's bound to split up. and i can't help but wonder how long we'll manage to stay together (considering my dysfunctionality function), if any of these people get to stay together. and how it'll be in the future when relationships fall apart and hearts break and things get messy.

and i know i shouldnt be thinking about these things because they are bad things. and thinking and overly worrying about the future makes things worse (as it seems to be lately). but i cant help it. im scared, im still scared. im still unsure, still devastated at the thought of either of us getting hurt and losing a damned good friendship.

and i still fall to the same unsure conclusion. that if we do fall apart, God will take care of things. that we'll be okay. that i'll eventually learn to love again. but that's the big question, isn't it.

monch was too much of an asshole to be any sort of standard. and any standards he had set (hahahaha) has already been broken.

im worrying that a new standard might be set. that i wont ever be able to look at a guy or kiss a guy or talk to him without comparing him to something great. or maybe it's mediocre. or maybe it's great and i just say it's mediocre because i am just so goddamned scared.

even now i know that i'm not as passionately and deeply into this as i would want to be. as maybe he is. and i want to be so bad and i dont know if its because he isnt the one or if its because im holding myself back or maybe because not yet or maybe because i've mucked it all up or...

there's a thousand and one possibilities and i want him so bad to just be the last one. so that it's generally easy. but i know that's not happening. so i keep on stepping ahead of myself and im so scared to be back in that dark, vulnerable place where the desperation and depression clouds my mind every minute and second of the day. i dont want to be clawing and clutching and grabbing at invisible straws. i dont want to... anything.

and as ironic as it may seem, as long as i'm too scared to fall from grace in that same way again, im not going to be as happy as i want to be. as happy as i know i can be. and im holding back so much, and im letting it out in all the wrong ways. and i dont want to be anymore. but i dont know how to let go, how to break down these last walls.

2008-07-16T21:26:00.000+08:00

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

:((

gg

2008-07-08T23:37:00.004+08:00

i hate gossip girls.

bakit ganun? bakit may mga tao na wala nang ginawa sa buhay kundi chumismis tungkol sa ibang mga tao? tas pag wala nang chismis, andun lang sila... ladadeeda. ho hum. wala na silang kwenta sa buhay.

that's a pretty pathetic existence. nakakaawa rin sila, ano?

in other news,
lumilindol. (altho di ko naramdaman)

the world (as i knew it) is ending. hahahaha OR IS IT????
labo.

the earthquake's inside me :o
parang in season ang pagtitibok ng puso.
masaya rin ang mundong panay kasiyahan at pagmamahal at paglilindol na lang ang inatupag.

... i don't want to make the same mistakes. :/

in other other news.

i like me now. but i still miss the old me.
miss ko na si Lord. miss ko na maging sobrang bait at sobrang okay at enjoy sa pagiging mabait. miss ko na ang pamilya ko.

iniisip ko na babalik yan lahat once sumali ng ictus sina faye. or once kumanta ako ulit. hahahaha di ko alam kung bakit. sana ganun lang yun kadali, ano?

ngayon ko lang naintindihan kung bakit mahirap sabihin ang iilang mga bagay na 'di naman pangit ang nilalaman. mabigat lang. sobrang mabigat lang.
:)

hey, hey. are we living? :)

2008-07-03T21:03:00.000+08:00

special mention to maureen kate bugarin chavez.

stalker of this blog. :)) :))

*waves* hi mau!

it's a little bit funny

2008-07-01T22:52:00.002+08:00

this feeling inside.

oh god. =)) =)) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME?

i dont know. never? joke. ewan. wag. let's not go there. just go with the flow and stop thinking. i are jellyfish. sign of global warming.

and it's true. my globe is warming. LOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLL nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

i hasnt even done my homeworkz hihihihi

2008-06-28T00:09:00.001+08:00

oh, love. :( i hope you'll be okay.

2008-06-24T00:09:00.002+08:00

no sensible boy in his right state of mind would EVER admit to WANTING an oddity of extreme proportions (i.e. ME)

i therefore conclude that he is on crack. because really. he is quite a sensible and all right type of boy.

what scares me is that HE DOES KNOW the extent of the oddness! and im like! WHAT! WHY! WHAT! WHY! (and simultaneously dying inside. is this FO REAL)

it baffles the shit out of me. :))
O_o erglaaccck

the vagine monologues

2008-06-22T14:55:00.001+08:00

and like WOWZA

i havent continued on to the V-day set but man! genius, seriously. it it's not just the fact that it'd be so useful to my 165 class or to panpil19 (bought it before i even signed up for any of those) but more of the fact that it makes me feel good about who i am and my relationship with my vagina and all.

and i feel bad! why ahvent they visited the philippines or something? sabagay, medyo mahirap siguro kung sa asian countries with the sort of culture here and all. pero eventually sana. i even want to take up that vagina workshop and all.

i wonder what the department for women's development in our college thinks about all that. excited na tuloy ako sa 165 class ko hahahahaha.

CUNT POWER! :)) i feel so liberated. :))

2008-06-21T20:42:00.001+08:00

Let Me Fall - Bethany Joy Lenz

It’s October again
The leaves are coming down
One more year’s come and gone
And nothing’s changed at all

Wasn’t I supposed to be someone
To face the things that I’ve been running from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I cry a little, die a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little

I’ve become much too good
At being invincible
I’m an expert at play it safe
And keep it cool

But I swear
This isn’t who I meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll over me

I wanna be somebody
Who can face the things that I’ve been running from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I cry a little, die a little
At least I know I lived

It’s October again
Leaves are coming down
One more year’s come and gone
And nothing’s changed at all

+++++++++++

it's time to take risks, start living again. :)
thanks, God.
we can do this!

2008-06-14T14:29:00.002+08:00

ampf boys will be boys din si rene. oh well. :)) nakakashock lang minsan.

anyway!

gaya ng sabi ni ziggy, the drama's in your head. hahahahaha. so i wont do anything, wont pay attention to anything until something ACTUALLY happens. pero kasi mga brad nakakaguilty eh. parang kelangan ko ng DISTANCIA POR FAVOR pero di ko lam kung pano ko gagawin yun at parang too tamad ako and too comfortable mga brad. pero mga brad ang selfish ko at napaka user friendly.

ANAK KA NG TATAY MO
... hnlabo :))

2008-06-13T01:33:00.002+08:00

i need to exerciiiiiiiiiiiise.

i tried sleeping at 8pm tonight and i woke up at 12mn. very good, di ko na pala kaya mag marathon sleeping so ang plano ko na ngayon ay matulog everyday ng mga 10 or earlier and not sleep when i get home tapos on tuesdays, wednesdays and fridays ay mag jjogging ako sa umaga ng mga 7 or 8 am kahit dito lang sa village.

I WONDER KUNG MAGNYAYARI YUN hahahahaha

or siguro sa moro kung bukas na yun ng ganung oras. pero kakailanganin ko pa si kuya jaime nun eh.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I MUST STAY THIN. get thinner.

sabi pa naman nila percy na hot lang daw ako pag mapayat. di ko lam kung jumo-joke time sila nun but it's percy and he's charming and if he says that K FINE.

boys will be boys. :P hahahahaha

2008-06-03T21:13:00.001+08:00

oh nooooooooooooeeeeeeeessssssssssssssss

what kind of news is this!??!?! wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf.
so wala akong gagawin. at kelangan war games pa rin? or what? OR WHAT.
bakit kasi ganito

in other news, happy bday d.

i miss her like hell.

happy crush

2008-05-31T02:13:00.003+08:00

hahahahaha kasi naman. i was so tense.

and there's just something incredibly sexy about having to stare at the guy in the eyes while dancing and have to try and SEDUCE him or tempt him or something with your dancing and having him being required to stare back as if you're the most beautiful girl in the world. and he knows what you're doing but you know. yeah.

=)) =)) actually ang cute niya mag intense face. =)) now THATS loli. and like he's just kinda squinting! hahahahhahahahaha aaaaaawwwwwwwwwww happy crush.

i hope he's the one who doesnt have a wife yet. HAHAHAHA :P

i dunno. he doesnt usually stare back naman. and having him look back during the show kinda calmed me. granted, my martinette was still crap. but you know. yeah..

i wonder if he saw the fear in my eyes.

2008-05-31T01:00:00.001+08:00

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A STAR. even though i felt i could have done better.

and im so fulfilled and so happy with dancing and how it made people feel that im just... BLOWN AWAY. oh Lord, thank you thank you thank you for the gift of dancing and for the love of dance and music and for passion and intensity and blood pumping heart wrenching beats of life.

i love You and i love how this makes me feel.

2008-05-28T00:48:00.001+08:00

bad energy. oh god i need to get away.

lalalalalallalalalallalallalalalalalallalalalalallalalalalalala

maybe i need a boy.

2008-05-25T00:43:00.003+08:00

okay so i made a post and it didnt save.

and i was talking about how the show awhile ago had a stage that was tilted that made it hard for us to move AT ALL.

and how i cant seem to bond so much with clara and bonbon and maradee because im keeping my personality separate from my dancing life. which i thought was necessary, but then maybe i need to integrate to be able to dance better.

and how clara is still my idol and continues to be an even bigger idol for me because awhile ago just made me realize even more how beautiful and strong and charming she is. AND MY GOD this woman has been through a whole truckload of shit. and my god. yun lang.

in other news, it's ________ (interesting? bumming?) to see how people think of me.
ang galing galing.
it's so bleargh it makes me want to scream out.

in other news, i told migs and i feel bad and thinking maybe i was over reacting and maybe i shouldnt have told him because now he is majorly bummered even though he's kinda trying to hide it.

:( and it's not helping with the self-concept thing. it just tells me that what they're all saying is correct in their eyes and maybe im just kidding myself.

2008-05-20T00:22:00.001+08:00

YAY! life! and love! and dancing! and friends!

oh god, i love dancing so much. =))

2008-05-17T02:39:00.001+08:00

i dunno. i feel like if i put it down it's gonna get SO whacked and im doing so well on just being... free flowing. you know? :P hahahahahaha.

not that i'm expecting anything. it just kinda caught my off guard, now that i think about it. =)) LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

2008-05-14T00:37:00.001+08:00

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- William Shakespeare

2008-05-11T14:35:00.002+08:00

watched speed racer last night and i loved it so much i dont know why.

and then i realized that asking myself WHY i loved the movie may be considered as overthinking it. cant i just ENJOY a movie because it's niiiice? hahahaha. but then i couldnt help myself. and i overthought (??? lol) the movie

i enjoyed it because i could understand the passion and the teamwork and the love you need to succeed and the drive you need to be passionate, to excel.

and i enjoyed it because it's what i need right now.

2008-05-06T03:21:00.001+08:00

i look up and i dont know how i got where i am and i dont know how to fix myself up so that im somebody i can like and love again. all i know is that this is not healthy, this is not normal.

auckland.

2008-04-29T18:41:00.002+08:00

jussy has this uncanny knack for making me cry in public establishments.

oh heart be strong for me and her. i dunno, i'll just do what i think is right. i dunno i dunno i dunno. god, i dont want to be the one to push you over the edge.

in other news. AAAAAAAACK

2008-04-28T21:12:00.001+08:00

kasi kasi kasi kasi kasi ewan ko. baka dahil meron lang ako at nagdradrama nanaman ako sa flam. mas ok na nga yung ganito. hahahahahaaaaaaayyy.

let me feel, i don't care if i fall down
let me fall, even if i hit the ground
and if i cry a little, die a little
at least i know i lived, just a little bit.

2008-04-27T02:34:00.001+08:00

sound tripping. slightly senti again. but i like singing out loud. feeling ko ang galing galing ko. HAHAHAHA. pero nase-senti ako. gusto ko umiyak for no reason. HAHAHA

the tiny things

2008-04-25T23:18:00.000+08:00

that make me happy.

I BOUGHT A DRESS FROM ZARA TODAY AND I LOVE IT.

yun lang. masaya na ako. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2008-04-24T23:55:00.002+08:00

i feel like crap. not even physically anymore. more of the emotional kind of crap and it just SUCKS because i don't know why and this day was pretty blah blah okay. not the beginning and ending parts. more like the middle parts where mindy and i surprised jus and roz. :)

iunno. uwian gang ako bukas.

2008-04-22T22:58:00.002+08:00

field day with jus kanina. we sort of planted a seed-like tree thing.
hahahahaaaay.
i dunno, maybe we'll never figure some things out. so we'll just wait for didi to come home and try to rain dance as much as we can.

saw fr. rudy and fr. bu.
what a jackpot day.

emotional overload though.

so how do i know God exists? it's moments like awhile ago when i was just sitting beside fr. bu and holding his hand and i could just feel the love and the warmth and all the energy seeping into me. and i was all, no i dont want to take his life force, but it was just all coming out and maybe im out of life force.

oh, fr. bu. you overwhelm me with your love. i dont even know why you love me so gosh darned much. :'c or why i love you so much too.

laki bu and lolo rudy.

2008-04-21T23:39:00.001+08:00

i dunno anymore if it's funny or not. but life is definitely weird.

should i grow a conscience?

2008-04-21T23:39:00.000+08:00

i dunno anymore if it's funny or not. but life is definitely weird.

should i grow a conscience?

2008-04-21T20:48:00.004+08:00

i seriously am getting fucked up again because the slightest sign of LIFE from him just makes my mind go cuckoo. and i feel so guilty with the way i am so unashamedly so malandi to jandi just because i want certain things to end and certain things to start again.

FUCK! i need to get drunk so bad. also, an attitude readjustment. a SERIOUS change in my way of thinking and priorities because right now the summer is rendering my brain back to a puddle of BRAIN SOUP and i am not very capable and coherent right now and i'm just so messed up even though i like saying and pretending that i am LADEEDA FINE. NOT. i am not dealing with this very well or even AT ALL.

wtf is this anyway!? alam ko nanaman na di ko naman siya gusto talaga. fuck the what.

it doesnt help that the thumpity thump in my heart comes all rushing back with one stupid conversation. like a starved dehyrdated deaf blind and mute man just... fucking being able to eat and live. suspended in disbelief but you know just... im just all feeling amazed and missing the feeling.

i hate it.

over it.

2008-04-19T18:22:00.002+08:00

it's nice, for once to be surrounded by guys who are actually my age and who are mature and confident enough to have a functional relationship with. ACTUAL GUY FRIENDS of whom i expect nothing from and expect nothing in return except my love and affection. joke. friendship, tol. :))

i LOVE the way i can be myself with them and how i can be touchy and kulit and hyper and moody sometimes and it's okay.

and it maybe realize that to crush pathetically on this guy is SELLING MYSELF SHORT.

and don't even get me started on THAT.

it's like saying im 4 feet and 11 and a half inches tall when i'm really around 5 feet and 2-3 inches. :P

2008-04-16T21:22:00.002+08:00

di pa rin ako pinapansin. tulad ng sabi ko kay ands, ang kulang na lang ay maghubad ako at mag sisitakbo sa harap ng bahay niya habang sumisigaw ng lupang hinirang. baka yun na nga ang hinihingi ng pagkakataon. hahaha. pero di ko alam kung san yun nakatira so waley rin. PERO! univ scholar ako so YAY ME. :D :D :D yun na lang. ilabas natin sa kaka shopping.

anyway, home from tibanglan. which is the most relaxing place ever. i guess what i do love about the place is the air... the fresh fresh wind. iba talaga yung feeling ng ihip ng hangin sa balat ko, iba yung pakiramdam pag humihinga ako. sariwang sariwa. mmmmm.

halos panay tulog at kain lang ako dun dahil sa bagyo. pero nakapagtanim rin ng onting caballero sa gilid ng palayan. gusto ko sana makapag gamas o makapag ani man lang sana ng palayan pero wala rin. at babalik sina tita betta next week, eh dehins na ko pwede. puno ang sched. antuchas.

so kasamaang palad, balik nanaman ang bad energy ko. nawalan kasi ako ng baterya at naki-text ako kay tita betta kay mama. tapos naglokohan kami na kunwari na something ng NPA tapos tinext ko nga si mama kasi nakakatawa sila ni tito butch at kala ko naman malalaman niya na joke lang kasi tito butch naman yun.

hindi pala. mejo hyper ako pagkauwi. tapos ayun. alalang alala pala. mangiyak ngiyak ang nanay ko. naiyak nga. di raw good joke. sabi niya na sanay na raw sya na parati syang linoloko nila tito butch at tita betta dun pero she thought i would know better. nag-text pa sya ng isang damakmak ng mga pare at mga kung sinu-sino para ipagdasal daw ako.

not once did it enter my mind that she'd take it that seriously. i thought she'd smell something fishy. but i SHOULD have known better. i keep on thinking why i didn't see it coming.

maybe because i'm slowly realizing that people see our family as a very stressed and always fighting family (sa dans side anyway from tito tony and tito butch) and it makes me sad, what they have to say about us. like they say mahilig daw kami magtanim ng galit, or when we get mad parang kailangan daw hawain namin yung buong pamilya. ewan ko. di naman kami nagtatanim ng galit o sadyang nanghahawa. babae lang kasi kaming lahat pwera na lang kay papa. masyado kaming concerned (?) kumbaga sa isa't isa at nagpapaapekto sa bawat galaw ng mga tao sa bahay.

sabi naman ni tito butch na we take each other too seriously. may pagka totoo rin naman, pero balance lang naman lagi diba. it's not such a bad thing, not really. but i guess i wanted to prove something, wanted to start moving in some direction.

i dont know what exactly. but something to do with those things.

im sorry mom.

empty

2008-04-12T22:41:00.003+08:00

i feel like screaming til my lungs give out, pull my hair out and pick my eyes from those pockets in my heaaaaaad. i am OFFICIALLY. slowly. going. IN. SANE.

was i, FOR ONCE IN MY VERY IMPATIENT LIFE, supposed to be my normal self and lay all my cards at the table right away????? I DONT GET IT I DONT NOT REALLY

im tired of disappointment, emptiness, loneliness blahblahblah. it wasnt even supposed to feel or be this way or ANYTHING. gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

~~OKAY I LIKE YOU TOO.~~
if only you could see that. this.

i do not deal well with apathy. :)) :))
and no, im still not going to do anything DAMMIT

2008-04-11T11:57:00.003+08:00

i guess im not that surprised on how things are turning out. or rather, how they aren't. but that's the way the wheel turns, and you know. i guess i'm getting a bit used to it. move on, search on, que sera sera and all.

and no, i don't really want to talk about it anymore. as it turns out, anything i talk about, or think about or daydream about seems to kaput right in my face. except of course my thingamawhattagoals in life. because i keep those in my handy dandy spectral orb which has the perfect balance of realism and idealism. it's just that i have this bad habit for everything else where i turn things i dont know into things i want them to be and end up falling in love with what i made them into and when i decide i want the real thing it goes and blows itself up. or i blow it up.

impatient girl is impatient impatient impatient.

love is just around the corner. TL WAITS MAMEHN. in the form of all these people i love who are soon going to be infesting peyups with the bug of love and hyperness and all that jazz.

there's nothing too fast for me right now. except... ok wait, NO. i'm supposed to be done with that.

2008-04-09T21:31:00.000+08:00

soooo. am home from cambodia-hanoi trip.

main highlights were the angkor temples near siem reap and ha long bay in hanoi.

got a lot of things from vietnam actually. ideologies and shit. why they're developing faster than us and so and so...

hmmmmmmm

2008-04-01T18:38:00.001+08:00

haaaaaaaay. off to cambodia tomorrow. i don't know if i'm relieved or what. i don't know if he's pretending or what. but it's what i wanted.

i just want our time to be
peaceful and gentle, wiser, free.

2008-03-31T21:01:00.001+08:00

god, i seriously don't know what to do. and i don't think i can do what faye wants me to do and what i want me to do. because i can't live with ambiguity so maybe i'll just EXPLODE now.

hahahaha. gonna sleep over at trish's. ciao ciao.

2008-03-30T22:14:00.000+08:00

oh. o_O

i need to rant.

kilig.

2008-03-28T20:30:00.000+08:00

i shouldnt be though. making a mountain out of a speed bump. or something.

but i am. sheesh.

2008-03-23T20:43:00.001+08:00

im pathetic.